Testimony: Mercy for My Mess

Healing, Deliverance, and God’s Way of Escape

"Mercy for my mess is the story of how God met me in brokenness and provided a way of escape when I was buried under pain, fear, and familiar darkness. What once defined me no longer holds me, because God’s mercy reached into my mess and called me into freedom."

Do you ever find yourself in a mess? Self-inflicted or placed on you by others, and you’ve gotten so comfortable carrying it, you forget it’s even there? Or you feel the weight of it, but you’ve learned how to contort who you are to continue dragging it along because you were taught to “just be strong"; you’re stuck with it for the rest of your life? 

Both scenarios are a part of my life story. I have suppressed memories, pushed feelings into the back of the closet to be forgotten. I’ve carried my mess around like Gucci luggage, thinking I'm good and being strong. Honestly, all of that contributed to my brokenness. It caused me to neglect myself, let others hurt me, live in shame and worthlessness, and created openings for depression, anxiety, and health issues to take hold. While the real me drowned in the shadows of this person I had become.

I had grown weary, tired, and angry from carrying these bags. I got tired of feeling alone and weak as I tried to pull myself out of this mess... then here comes God swooping in like a superhero!

I find myself in tears as I write this because He does this for me over and over again. I feel like David when he said, “What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” Psalms 8:4 ESV

I cry because I know I’m not worthy of His grace and mercy, but He gives it to me. He provides seasons of clarity, backs the devil up, and shines a bright light towards my way of escape. But it was always up to me to crawl, walk, hop, or run towards the exit.

1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds me that, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 

He opens my eyes to see what is true and what is false, so I can make clear choices. The weight and the blindness of the situation lift off me; the Spirit of God breaks the chains, giving me enough time to make a move. The fog clears up all around me in this dark space. I see a door emerge out of the thickness that I couldn’t see before. It’s not wide open but cracked just enough for me to notice a glimmer of light.

Now it’s time for me to make some choices.

Do I begin moving towards the door?

It’s really easy to yell at the movie screen, "Girl, run." But the truth is it ain’t always that easy to get your feet moving.

What would you do?

That fog was my comfort zone, that unhealthy-dysfunctional best friend I’ve known all my life. I often tried to run from it, but fear, outside pressures, and the discomfort of stepping into the unknown overtook me. There are many times God delivered me from its grip, but I only end up running right back into my mess because it’s so much easier not to face change. So, I would lift my hands, shout in victory, worship the Lord, and let the lie of deliverance fool you and me. Most didn’t pay me enough attention to know the difference. If I were to speak the truth, I was emulating what many others were doing, faking it until ‘maybe’ one day they made it. I am not here to throw shade at anyone, only revealing the works of the devil and how he keeps us bound.

Anyway, God noticed what I was doing and knew the truth. He knew I had allowed myself to stay stuck, and yet He always came back for me. It might be why I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy. I am reminded of what Jesus stated, “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, love little.”( Luke 7:47) God has shown me so much mercy for my mess that it makes me trust Him more, become less judgmental, and develop a strong desire to help others let go of their mess and move forward. 

After a lifetime of living in darkness, I’ve mustered the courage to move forward. I’m focused on God’s voice and no others. My eyes are locked in on Him and no other. I am leaning on His strength and wisdom to bring me out. I lay myself on the Potter’s Wheel and allow Him to mold me into who I was born to be.

The truth is, I don’t know how much change will be required of me, but with every step I take, weights have fallen. God’s purging knife hurts sometimes, but through it, I experience peace, comfort, strength, courage, and the real me under all that mess I was carrying. 

Some days are harder than others, and sometimes I slip. But I catch my breath and get back up quickly and keep moving, because I believe what God said about me…”I am more than what they say about me. I am fierce. I am called. I am chosen. I am His child, and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”

My mess no longer defines me, their lies no longer bind me, the kingdom of darkness no longer owns me. I was brought with a price through Jesus Christ. I am a child of light. I am the daughter of the Most High King. I am who God says I am, and so are you. It’s time to let the mess go and walk in God’s regenerative mercy.